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The following humor essays have been published on the internet. I know some of you are wondering if it's really considered published if it's just on the internet. I can't answer that, but maybe you can answer this. Why are you so goddamned unsupportive of me?

 

 

Who's your Ear, Nose & Throat doctor?

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, August 2011

 

Welcome to Paradise.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, June 2011

 

My Self Portrait.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, January 2011

 

Coat Drive.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, January 2011

 

Neil Diamond Reviews 16 Hot New Bands.

Paste Magazine, October 2010

 

It's Naked Time.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, June 2010

 

We are the family in the photo that came with your new picture frame.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, May 2010

 

The 12 days of Christmas.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, December 2009

 

Home Schooled

The Morning News, September 2009

 

It's decorative gourd season, motherfuckers.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, September 2009

 

It's weird to think one day I'll photoshop you out of these vacation photos.

Mcsweeney's internet tendency, August 2009

 

The Treatloaf® FAQ

The Morning News, July 2009

 

Your Last Meal: A Few Substitutions.

Collegehumor, June 2009

 

I am Poseidon! God of the Sea! I also teach water aerobics on saturdays.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, June 2009

 

Meth Lab Feng Shui

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, April 2008

 

Diary of a woman trapped inside a man's body trapped inside a beaver's body.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, September 2008

 

I Can't Wait For You to Meet my Panther

Yankeepotroast.com, September 2008

 

My Snake Nightmare

Monkeybicycle.net, May 2008

 

Dr. Seuss Treats a Patient

Yankeepotroast.com, August 2008

 

It Was I Who Flipped Over the Risk Board Last Night

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, June 2008

 

If I Could Fly

Monkeybicycle.net, May 2008

 

Good Times: The Lost Episode

Yankeepotroast, March 2008

 

Advanced Tai Chi Exercises for the Modern World

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, December 2007

 

Good News, a Seat on my Tandem Bicycle Just Opened Up

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, October 2007

 

Eulogy for a Bearded Bee Guy

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, July 2007